Life's a Bitch and then you become one..

I don't write much about my work, mainly due to the fact that, as an Estate Agent, I normally expect to be hung, drawn and quartered by simply mentioning what I do. However the Lettings business is rather to the forefront of the news at the moment, what with the changes in benefits and the supposed tightening of regulations within the industry  ~ and I thought it was time to write something from "our" side.

The company I work for deals mainly with lettings ~ and in a town such as the one in which I work this can involve an extremely varied client base. The majority of our clients don't work and are therefore in receipt of Housing Benefit and if I am honest, we break them into 2 sets ~ The Non Scrotes and the Scrotes.

There is no need for me to describe the Non Scrotes ~ they are nice, normal people who neither cause problems, nor get involved in them. We like these tenants.

The Scrotes are the tenants who make me want to go and live in the Outer Hebrides on a Goat Farm. They lie, they cheat and they cause us problems. They think nothing of falling behind on their rent, and invariably vacate properties leaving a trail of debts and broken promises. But we aren't supposed to mind because, well, that's our job isn't it?

My job is, theoretically, to rent out decent houses to decent people, but this doesn't always happen. Landlords think nothing of giving us houses that no self respecting rat would live in, and then scream blue murder when we don't find them a tenant instantly. I even asked a landlord once whether he would consider living in a house that leaked like a sieve, had vermin in the yard and damp blossoming on every surface ~ he was horrified "Of course I wouldn't, I'm not stupid" he said ~ I silently handed him photos of the house he has described as a "palace" and said, "well, maybe you should do some repairs".

On the other hand, tenants come in demanding 4 bedrooms, en suite, garden and garage parking for under £500 per month "Or maybe more, the housing are paying y'see" and when we ask them to pay the first months rent up front (Housing Benefit pay in arrears) they look at you as though you are insulting their first born.

I even had a chap stagger into the office the other day (leaving the door open, always nice when you're on a main road) and say.. "Do I have to have a job to get a house?"..
Or the woman who posted on Facebook that "she didn't wanna be payin no stupid fees and rent" ~ we don't run a charity Love, we run a business..

Anyway, if anyone wants a job in the Lettings business... Try being a traffic warden for 6 months and if you can hack it then start sending your C.V ~ but not to me OK? I'll be in the Outer Hebrides with the goats...

One of those days ~ It's Estate Agency Innit?

I am about to tread some uncharted waters here ~ in telling you about some of the things that happen in the course of my work. Some are funny, some tragic and some downright unsanitary, but all are true and the only thing I change are identifying details of the people involved ~ mainly because some of them are big and scary and might beat me up!

I am fairly certain you all know what I do for a living ~ I am a Estate Agent. Now before anyone starts pelting me with rotten fruit and blaming me for everything from World War II to Global Warming  would like to point out, in my defense, I am not that sort of Estate Agent ~ I am actually quite a nice person who happens to love the job I do!


I've been doing this job on and off for over 10 years now ~ when I started I worked in the Home Counties and knocked out Million pound gaffs to wealthy bankers (with a silent w mainly) and it was all lovely and easy and I couldn't believe that I got paid to nose around other peoples houses.. Fast forward 10 years and I'm valuing rental properties where the suspect stain on the Dining Room carpet is actually a result of the previous tenant having expired on there and not being found for a few days.


My days are punctuated with people wandering into the office and mumbling "D'you deal wiv DSS?" and then listing the exact attributes they require in the house that they wont be paying for "'S'Alright, the Social are paying innit". I've learned to smile in a neutral fashion and not actively grind my teeth while they talk.


The downside of this job is that you quickly become one of the most cynical people on Gods good earth ~ I have people sitting in front of me crying as they tell me their tales of abuse, domestic violence, homelessness and despair and all I can think is "Well, if your ex partner is threatening you with a chainsaw I don't want you in one of my properties Thanks". Peoples lives become a series of events that catagorises them into "Nice tenants" and "No Thank You tenants". And I don't believe a bloody word any of them say ~ mainly because most of them lie like a cheap NAAFI watch, they will swear they're working because the Landlord doesn't want Housing Benefit tenants, then miraculously "lose" their jobs as they move in, they tick the "No pets" box and when you go round you fight your way through a menagerie of dogs, cats and normally some kind of reptile in a glass case..


But despite all this, an the occasional client who is so earth shatteringly stupid they have to bring a friend along to help them fill in the fiendishly difficult questions on the Application Form ~Full Name, Current Address, all that tricky stuff ~ I do still love my job. The satisfaction of matching a person with a house is something I never tire of, the faces of a young couple when they get the keys for their first home together soothes my ravaged old soul and reminds me that there are worse jobs I could be doing.. I could be one of those poor bastards in the Housing Benefits Office.


So I go on, and when I have to tell a Landlord that not only has the rent not been paid, but the tenants have also done a runner with the keys, I comfort myself with the fact that maybe tomorrow I will be responsible for helping someone to find their dream home and there really will be a happily ever after... Well, maybe not tomorrow, but next week for sure.