All Change.. And that's just me...

It's strange when you start your day as one person and end it as someone else.. And that is what's happened to me today.. I started off as usual, good old Nicki, Mother, Estate Agent and Ex-Nutter and I am ending it as, well, not Nicki ~ a child who was lost before she was born..

If you have read my blog you will already be familiar with my story of whether or not to follow up on my adoption. It was never important enough to warrant my time and effort, my Mum and Dad were my parents and that was that quite frankly.

But as I have taken small,tentative steps towards finding out then my curiousity has been piqued and I was recently informed that my birth records were now available and would I like to have access to them? No brainer alert, I AM female after all...

So I went, dragging my faithful friend Pam with me ~ oh and the tissues, not that I would need them of course..

And so I read all about myself; How I was born to a woman who already had one illegitimate child, a boy of 2, and felt she couldn't cope with another one. She was organised enough to make all the arrangements herself, leaving her child with her own Mother she moved across country to an unmarried mothers home in the Midlands, and once I was born she wrote letters to the authorities asking for me to be taken away so she could get back to her son.. Yep, that stung.

I was transferred to "The Convent" which was the place that babies went after they were given up, in the care of nuns from the Bon Secours Order. I was there for a month before my new parents came to see me and take me to their home and family.

So, there we have it ~ my initial thoughts on today. I have no doubt that my opinion will change over the next few days, I am aware that my reaction may seem judgemental and harsh, but Hey, it's my blog..

For now I will say that Nicki is still alive and well, but little Elizabeth Anne is flexing her newly aquired wings and may well yet surprise us all...

The Moment of Truth ~ An Update

So kiddies, last time we met I was digging in for a long old wait for my birth records to be sent by the home from which I was adopted, I was warned that 3-6 months is normal and I thought "OK, that gives me a bit more thinking time, which I need".


So the phone call this morning from the lovely Social Worker to say my records had been traced and could I nip round and sign a release form came as quite a shock. Counting back, that was ..er.. 2 days, barely enough time to settle the vortex in my head, let alone come to terms with it all.


Anyway, I've signed the form and so now it is down to St F... Home down south to send the records. Then my Social Worker writes a report and then.. well.. then the real fun and games begin.


My brain hurts at the moment, and in the words of Anthony Newley "Stop The World, I Want To Get Off".. But we all know THAT aint happening!

The Moment of Truth

So, 2 Blogs in 2 days.. who knew..


I think it's only fair to tell the story of today ~ having built this up it seems rude to just leave it hanging.. As the Actress said to the Bishop!


So I went to the meeting with Social Services this morning, my lovely friend Pam (ask me about her books and then rush out and buy them) came with me ~ she was EXACTLY the right person to have with me, I found I suddenly needed her unique mix of caring and humour as for some ridiculous reason I felt not nervous, not excited, but ~ well, you know that feeling the morning of a big exam when you worry you haven't studies enough? ~ that..


The Social Worker was terribly nice, which in itself was a shock, Social Workers never having ranked high in my opinion before (which is a bit rich coming from an Estate Agent I know) and she explained that the purpose of today was simply to get me basic facts and to find out how far I wanted to take this journey. I explained that I didn't really know, I just thought I wanted to find out something about my history. 


This seemed to be a good answer and I was just mentally congratulating myself on handling this whole thing in such a grown up fashion when she produced a piece of paper and I suddenly fell apart. "Dear Jesus" I thought, "She knows more about me than I do". That piece of paper contained the name I was given at birth and the name of my birth mother, and it was as though time stopped and the only sound I could hear was the rustle of this paper being unfolded. I think I was actually holding my breath while she read out the name I had been given.. And then she delivered the name of my birth mother ~ whose first name was the same as my Mum. Christ I cried then.. it seemed so strange to hear my Mums name with a different surname and to have her described as my Mother ~ I'm not sure that makes sense, but these are MY thoughts you know!


Anyway, the upshot is that I can now apply for my original Birth Certificate and the file kept by the home from which I was adopted ~ the details of which I already, unwittingly, held. This will take time, but because of my age they tend to fast track ~ that always makes you feel old!


So I am left in limbo, my life has change inexorably today whether I choose to go any further or not. All my life I have been Nicki, or Nicola, and yet (maybe) to at least one other person out there I am... well, let's just say not Nicki. She gave me quite beautiful names, which would lead me to think she did feel some connection to me, and this in itself touches a tiny place in my soul that I never knew existed.


So I think we all know by now that I will go on with this.. It doesn't seem as though I have a choice in the matter, some unseen unknown force is whispering that I simply MUST see this through to the end ~ so that a girl who, 45 years ago, had to give me up might just have the opportunity the see the woman I have become.

And more of the Adoption Stuff..

I know, you're all on the edge of your seats aren't you?? Oh, just me then, well OK ~ here we go.


I phoned them ~ and phoned them, and phoned them again. Finally they called me back, to tell me they hadn't received the documents! You could hear the crash of my stomach plummeting, it could only happen to me, papers getting lost in the post ~ Ah well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.


Five minutes later she rang back, they had found them, so would I like to make an appointment to go in? I knew that there would be a long waiting list for this so presumed I had misheard when she said "Could you manage tomorrow morning?" Cue a major flap on my part.. I mean it was NOT supposed to be this quick. Anyway, I agreed a time and happily came home knowing that the fact I had to find my Birth Certificate and Adoption Certificate would mean there wasn't a hope in hell of me making the appointment.. I mean I am just not that organised am I??


Well, yes I bloody well am as it goes.. I got home and lo and behold they were in the file exactly where they should be ~ it's like a conspiracy isn't it? Some higher power is determined that I will go to this meeting tomorrow morning..


So, I'll.. er.. go to the meeting and then I'll tell you all about it afterwards shall I?? If you're still with me that is, I'm not sure I am..