All Change.. And that's just me...

It's strange when you start your day as one person and end it as someone else.. And that is what's happened to me today.. I started off as usual, good old Nicki, Mother, Estate Agent and Ex-Nutter and I am ending it as, well, not Nicki ~ a child who was lost before she was born..

If you have read my blog you will already be familiar with my story of whether or not to follow up on my adoption. It was never important enough to warrant my time and effort, my Mum and Dad were my parents and that was that quite frankly.

But as I have taken small,tentative steps towards finding out then my curiousity has been piqued and I was recently informed that my birth records were now available and would I like to have access to them? No brainer alert, I AM female after all...

So I went, dragging my faithful friend Pam with me ~ oh and the tissues, not that I would need them of course..

And so I read all about myself; How I was born to a woman who already had one illegitimate child, a boy of 2, and felt she couldn't cope with another one. She was organised enough to make all the arrangements herself, leaving her child with her own Mother she moved across country to an unmarried mothers home in the Midlands, and once I was born she wrote letters to the authorities asking for me to be taken away so she could get back to her son.. Yep, that stung.

I was transferred to "The Convent" which was the place that babies went after they were given up, in the care of nuns from the Bon Secours Order. I was there for a month before my new parents came to see me and take me to their home and family.

So, there we have it ~ my initial thoughts on today. I have no doubt that my opinion will change over the next few days, I am aware that my reaction may seem judgemental and harsh, but Hey, it's my blog..

For now I will say that Nicki is still alive and well, but little Elizabeth Anne is flexing her newly aquired wings and may well yet surprise us all...

The Big C

I lost a friend today to cancer ~ a friend with whom contact had become sporadic since I moved away, but a friend none the less, our daughters were mates and we wasted many an hour at childrens parties sniggering and gossiping. She and I weren't part of the 
establishment, the Mummy Mafia, and so a lot of our sniggering was done about the absurdities of that clique.

I have done a lot of soul baring on this Blog ~ such a lot, in fact that I recently got an award for it ~ but this has made me pause for thought. There are now 3 kids and their Dad flung into the abyss of pain and loss that follows such a death, and beyond the usual condolences and visits there is nothing I, or anyone else, can do to help stop their pain.  And that, to coin a phrase, pains me.. She was such a free spirit, a one off, that none of the conventional options seem at all appropriate.

So I think I shall go up to the local Reservoir and throw some petals to the wind ~ and watch as they dance in the breeze and flutter away, and while they do that I shall mentally raise a glass to her amazing spirit, which is now free to dance and play with no more suffering.

Good Night my friend, sleep easy xx