I had a MASSIVE tantrum at work yesterday for no good reason ~ I stood at the back door and shouted and swore because some pillock had blocked me into the car park and I wanted to go home. Finally I got out and as I drove I realised that my anxiety levels have been steadily rising over the last few weeks, to the extent that the dreaded panic attacks feel too close for comfort.
So I sat and had a think; over the last 10 months my life has done another complete about face ~ I've gone from being a Lettings Negotiator and single Mum to being a Manager running a company and back in a relationship with a man who had been lost to me for years ~ the man who made me realise how empty my soul has been for 7 years. This is, of course, all good news but brings with it its own set of issues I now realise.
My sleep pattern is shot, my appetite is flaky and you don't even want to think about my libido ~ actually neither do I! I am at my desk by 8.15 and I have forgotten what a lunch break is, I deal with idiots on a daily basis and spend too much time trying to solve other peoples problems, whilst ignoring my own. I suspect my kids have gone feral and when Himself (as he is now known) and I get together at the weekend I spend far too much time slumped on the sofa trying to stay awake.
Anxiety is a way of life and since my breakdown I have always been prone to it, but now it has gone too far and now I know this I intend to take immediate action.
Much as I love Social Media it is currently not a good thing for me ~ too much information to process and too much to get anxious about; so I am taking a break from it. I intend to immerse myself in a long list of books I have and maybe even take a day or two off work and just.. well.. relax..
So, I'm not disappearing I am just retreating for a while. Time to breathe and spend time with the kids and in the garden, coaxing seedlings into life and attacking the grass with a machete. Time, in short, to enjoy being Nicki again.
See you on the other side of mental.