Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Moment of Truth

So, 2 Blogs in 2 days.. who knew..

I think it's only fair to tell the story of today ~ having built this up it seems rude to just leave it hanging.. As the Actress said to the Bishop!

So I went to the meeting with Social Services this morning, my lovely friend Pam (ask me about her books and then rush out and buy them) came with me ~ she was EXACTLY the right person to have with me, I found I suddenly needed her unique mix of caring and humour as for some ridiculous reason I felt not nervous, not excited, but ~ well, you know that feeling the morning of a big exam when you worry you haven't studies enough? ~ that..

The Social Worker was terribly nice, which in itself was a shock, Social Workers never having ranked high in my opinion before (which is a bit rich coming from an Estate Agent I know) and she explained that the purpose of today was simply to get me basic facts and to find out how far I wanted to take this journey. I explained that I didn't really know, I just thought I wanted to find out something about my history. 

This seemed to be a good answer and I was just mentally congratulating myself on handling this whole thing in such a grown up fashion when she produced a piece of paper and I suddenly fell apart. "Dear Jesus" I thought, "She knows more about me than I do". That piece of paper contained the name I was given at birth and the name of my birth mother, and it was as though time stopped and the only sound I could hear was the rustle of this paper being unfolded. I think I was actually holding my breath while she read out the name I had been given.. And then she delivered the name of my birth mother ~ whose first name was the same as my Mum. Christ I cried then.. it seemed so strange to hear my Mums name with a different surname and to have her described as my Mother ~ I'm not sure that makes sense, but these are MY thoughts you know!

Anyway, the upshot is that I can now apply for my original Birth Certificate and the file kept by the home from which I was adopted ~ the details of which I already, unwittingly, held. This will take time, but because of my age they tend to fast track ~ that always makes you feel old!

So I am left in limbo, my life has change inexorably today whether I choose to go any further or not. All my life I have been Nicki, or Nicola, and yet (maybe) to at least one other person out there I am... well, let's just say not Nicki. She gave me quite beautiful names, which would lead me to think she did feel some connection to me, and this in itself touches a tiny place in my soul that I never knew existed.

So I think we all know by now that I will go on with this.. It doesn't seem as though I have a choice in the matter, some unseen unknown force is whispering that I simply MUST see this through to the end ~ so that a girl who, 45 years ago, had to give me up might just have the opportunity the see the woman I have become.


  1. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what we all really want to know is the names you were given. (Jesus H. Christ. This bird's such a fucking a tease. I mean, I come on here, in all good faith - pays me money - and what do I get in return? Nada. Zilch. Nuffin. I'm fucking off to the pub to wait for the punchline edition. I don't care how long it takes...maybe sneak in a few packets of Quavers) xxx

    1. Ah Ang.. the writing is going well then is it?? As for the names.. well, I will tell, just not yet.. :)

  2. The writing's going hunky dory in a dance around a Maypole kinda way. x
    (My money's on Dorothy...)