Thursday, 31 January 2013

GUEST BLOG ~ The Youth of Today Part 2

After I stopped self harming, I became suicidal as I’ve said previously. It was the worst few months of my life, and some of the hardest.

It started with just wanting to die. Maybe not even that. I wanted to not have to exist with the bitches that were ruining my life. It stayed like that for a while, content with just being that. That was while I was self harming. Wanting to die and self harming almost go hand in hand.

After I stopped, this want to not exist intensified. I wasn’t that I wanted to not exist, it was that I wanted to die. To never have existed. To be forgotten.

One day after school, I got off the school bus at the corner, where tesco was. I went in with some money I had from lunch, as I hadn’t wanted to eat that day. I’d saved it with this thought in mind. I went round to the medicines, and picked up a packet of paracetamol. Terrified they wouldn’t let me buy it, I went up to the counter. All I can remember feeling was relief as they cashier said ‘£1 please’. I handed the money over and practically ran out the shop. I started running properly as I got onto the road. I had to stop though when I was at the bottom of my hill, I was so out of breath. Damn being unfit.
‘Hello?’ I shouted as I walked in.
My mum was out. Hm. Okay. A sudden calm overtook me as I walked up the stairs and into my room. I put the paracetamol under my pillow, and walked back downstairs. Sitting on the couch, I decided I would do it tonight. I didn’t want to live any longer.

The constant battle inside of me as whether to cut myself or not was taking over my life. I’d see a pair of scissors in school and focus completely on not cutting myself. All I wanted to do was open the scissor blades, and drag them across my wrist. When I wasn’t focusing on not cutting myself, I was focusing on the bullying, which was progressively worse by the day.

That night, after I’d heard my mum go to bed, I grabbed my packet of pills and crept downstairs. I had written a note to my mum, my brother, my dad, and my sister telling them how much I loved them. I would have written one to my friends, but at that point, I didn’t feel I had any. Even my best friend seemed to start losing interest in me. I grabbed a glass of water and went back upstairs. Sat up in bed, I looked at the packet of pills. I stared at them for a long time. That’s the last thing I can remember.

Ting a ling ling ling
Ting a ling ling ling

What? My alarm? I opened my eyes. I was sat up in bed, with my tablets on my knee. Oh. I hadn’t done it.

Ting a ling ling ling
Ting a ling ling ling

Grabbing the note which was on my bed side table, I stood up. I put the note in the top of my wardrobe and turned my alarm off. Well, time for another day in hell.

‘OMG, ask him out!’
‘Do it babe’
‘He SOOO likes you!’
Just another typical conversation on the second bus trip of the day.
‘Um, Nicole, it’s your stop’ said Lauren
‘Oh crap, k, bye, love you girls!’ Nicole replied.
I watched her get out of her seat and wander up the bus. She looked at me.
‘What the FUCK do you think you’re looking at, state on you!’ She shouted at me, the whole bus going silent.
‘Um, nothing..’ I mumbled back.
‘Whatever.’ She laughed.
I saw her hand coming towards my face. The entire world seemed to go into slow motion. Her hand collided with my face, pushing it back towards the bus window. I started falling backwards, my head bouncing off the window. It hit her hand and bounced back, on to the window. My head stayed there this time.

The whole world sped up again, but it was a bit quick now. Nicole got off the bus, and laughed at me. All I could hear was a loud ringing, and all I could feel was a massive pain in the back of my head. I touched my scalp where it hurt, and when I pulled my fingers away, I saw it was bleeding a little. Being the classy bird I am, I stuck my middle finger up at her through the window. I was going to regret that in the morning. Before I knew it, I was at my stop and getting off the bus. In a daze, I wandered up the hill, and round the corner. I stopped at the end of my road. Pulling a tissue out my pocket, I dabbed the back of my head. It had stopped bleeding and had only bled a little, but my hair was sticky.

I walked up my road, after having pulled myself together.
As I got in, I shouted to my mum ‘I’m going for a shower!’
‘Alright, don’t be long.’ She shouted back.
I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on. I got in and put shampoo in my hair. It stung. A lot. After washing that out, I conditioned. I had to wash it out quickly as that got stung too. I noticed that I’d only been in the shower 5 minutes when I got out. Record time.

Wrapping a towel round me, I went into my room and got into my pj’s. It may be a friday night, but I wasn’t cool enough to go out anywhere, and I didn’t have any friends to chill with. I felt so much better after my shower.

‘Blimey O Riley, that was quick!’ Laughed my mum as I walked into the lounge.
I stuck my tongue out at her and sat down. I’d brought my towel with my to wrap around my dripping hair. The evening went on as it usually did: eat tea, do homework, watch tv, go to bed. It wasn’t strange or out of the ordinary. At 9, I said goodnight to my mum. I walked up the stairs and got into bed. As I lay there, I started crying. I knew why I was so content earlier. I knew why I was crying now. Tonight was the night I was to kill myself, and I was going to do it properly this time.

As last time, I waited until my mum had gone to bed, and got my water. I went upstairs and put the note on my bedside table. Calmly, I popped out 2 tablets for the headache. I took them. Then, I popped out 1 tablet for the marks on my arm, and a final for good luck I guess. I took them all and lay down on my pillow, eyes streaming with tears.
‘I love you mummy, daddy, I love you too. Don’t forget me James, nor you Becky. I love you all.’ I whispered into the dark.
I fell asleep, hopefully never to wake up again.

I woke up, feeling sick. Covered in it too by the smell of it. My quilt was down the end of my bed, and I was shivering. I was about to pull it over me when I felt like I was about to vomit all over myself, again.. I stood up and ran to the loo, being sick just as I stuck my head over the bowl. I realised then I’d not yet opened my eyes. When I opened them, I wished I hadn’t. The contents of the loo, my pj’s and the floor around the toilet was bright green. Mm. Attractive. I sunk to the floor, into my vomit. I didn’t care anymore. I failed at everything. Why can’t I just NOT fail at this one thing. That was all I asked. I look at my phone, which I’d grabbed on the way out. It was 2:01am. Yay. I put my head on the loo seat, and fell asleep.

I woke up again at around half 3 in the morning. I think it was the smell that had woken me up. If I didn’t do something about it soon, I might just wake everyone else up too. Flushing the loo and standing up, I took my pj’s off. I started to run a bath. Then, I took a scrubber, and put water on it. I had to clean this sick up. It was bright green for gods sake! By the time the bath had enough water in it, the only evidence of vomit was the stuff on my pj’s, which I dunked in the bath water. I grabbed some soap, and started scrubbing them down. They were only thin, so they didn’t take long. I hung them out on the radiator. By this time, it was nearly half 4, and was shattered. Wandering back into my room, I fell into bed. I had just enough time to throw my tablets and note down the back of my table before I fell asleep.

‘LIV! Liv! Are you okay? You look really pale.’ said my mum.
‘Uh, not really.’ I said after a while ‘I was sick quite badly during the night.’
‘Oh no.. That’d explain the pyjamas on the radiator. Do you want to stay home today? You look shattered.’ she asked, stroking my head.
‘Yep.’ I told her.
‘Okay darling, well I’ll be downstairs if you need me. You go back to sleep, alright?’
‘Mm hm’
I rolled over and fell straight back asleep.

I was sick three more times during the day, but it wasn’t green thank god. I stayed in bed all day, only venturing out to the bathroom to get water or be sick. I slept through the night too. Surprisingly, I felt fine the next day, and I only had a small headache. I went to school the next day, yay..

The next few says were okay. They only called me names. I still had the underlying want to kill myself, but it wasn’t so prominent . It was only when they started again that it came back.

There was one bad day that I wanted to kill myself more than ever before. I got off the bus and walked up the road a bit to a busy part. Then, I stepped out into the road. There was a car coming. I stood there and waited. Suddenly, I was pulled out of the road, and onto the pavement where I landed with a bump. Looking up, I saw a stranger staring down at me.
‘What were you doing?!’ she yelled at me.
I just stood up and ran away. I felt as if death was cheating me. Somehow surviving every time.

I gave up after that. 2 failed attempts and being to scared to even try disheartened me. I’m glad that stranger saved me. I don’t know who they are or why they saved me, but I would like to thank them one day. They saved my life and that means everything to me.

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